The 8 Golden Rules Of Swinging: Why You Need To Know Them

In a recent post, I jokingly made a reference to the “Laws of Physics of Swinging” in an attempt to point out one of the common small misconceptions new swingers sometimes have.  For many beginners in the lifestyle, the first few months are full of learning lingo, gaining confidence, but mostly getting comfortable in how to behave in these totally new scenarios.  There are not many life experiences that prepare a person for having a “normal” conversation with a person while actively discussing the possibility of having some type of sexual interaction with their spouse.

My entire life, I have had very little trouble talking to people.  I have a knack for entertaining people and making them laugh, but the night my wife and I decided to go a little further than flirting with another couple I might has well have been a mute.   We had been flirting with the couple most of the night, the chemistry was definitely there, and Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I decided this was the night.  The next thing I know the best conversation I could muster, was weather comments, sports scores, and the occasional “yeah, cool”.  Just like a man, who finds himself suddenly blindfolded, would have a few worries about taking off into a full sprint, my awareness of this brand new situation robbed me of my confidence.  Without this confidence, intelligent conversation much less humor, became much more difficult to deliver.

We had taken time research and layout all the major ground rules of what was taking place, but we never addressed the small stuff.  Mrs. Gentlenibbles and myself slowly over a period of months started figuring the allowable behaviors, social faux paux,  and etiquette of our new world.  With each morsel of knowledge we gained, we became more comfortable and ultimately had more fun.  So in an effort to speed up the process of your journey to “comfortable” swinger we would like to share some of these tidbits with you.   A list of all the little things you never see on any Do’s or Don’ts lists.  This list will continue to grow as we will add to it over time.

We would really appreciate other peoples ideas and suggestions for addition to this list, so  If you think of something we need to add email us or leave a comment below. 

So, without further delay we unveil our version of the do’s, dont’s, if’s, what’s, why’s, and hows:  the “Laws of Physics” as they pertain to swinging.  These laws are in no special order and the list is surely incomplete, but its a start.

  • Introducing oneself to a couple at a lifestyle event does not iniate some unspoken contract that ”play” will take place.
    • When first starting out couples often are scared to talk to another couple for fear of appearing interested.  Everyone is there to have a good time, enjoy yourself, and don’t be shy.  Just like you did when you were dating, you will notice if the conversation starts heating up.  
  • Flirting with someone in front of their spouse is not only OK, but a somewhat integral part of the process.
    • Now keep in mind that I am from the South, flirting to me is a pretty innocent and hands off activity.  Very few couples are going to be comfortable with you putting your hands all over their spouse within moments of meeting them  Behavior similar to how a single male or female may engage each other at a bar is perfectly acceptable behavior when engaging a new couple.   Obviously once you get to know a couple a little better, whether that takes minutes or weeks, more physical flirting is common and more fun.  
  • No matter how much time you have spent with a couple, how much money has been spent, or how high the other couples expectations of play, it is always OK to say no.
    • We have heard stories, and even have one ourselves, where new couples somehow convince themselves they are obligated to the playing with a couple.  Obviously, as swingers, our hedonistic viewpoint somewhat diminishes the “sanctity” that surrounds sex.  This does not mean however that you should let it devalue your opinion of your body, mind, and soul.  No matter how far along you are in the evening, if you start to get a bad feeling about someone or you find you are not enjoying yourself.  Stop!  Stopping because you dislike what someone else is doing or how they are behaving is not DRAMA, that is being smart and safe.  
  • An ounce of weird online, can be pound of freak in person.
    • You should probably be somewhat cynical in meeting people.   We have only met one couple that after meeting them we were tremendously disappointed.  There was a few times in chatting and emails that we got a negative vibe, but we followed through on meeting up with them.  When we met them, their pics were so old, we were a few feet from them in the bar and never recognized them.  We only found out who they were when they introduced themselves.  They also had quite a few issues.  There are plenty of fish in the sea (or in a swingers case “pairs of socks in the drawer”), if for any reason you feel a couple is not being on the level move on.  You can always meet up with them some other time at a meet-n-greet or someplace where there more couples are involved.
  • You are not dating, playing the field is the fun part.
    • When Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I first started, we were always worried about what the proper etiquette called for when we were actively flirting and engaging other couples in front of couples we had played with before.  We did not want to hurt anyone’s feeling, by making them think we did not want to be with them again.  When you first start it sometimes can be easy to assume everyone wants to be with you, but just like you everyone is enjoying being with a variety of people.  That is the reason we all have became  swingers instead of a Mormons!
  • If an interested couple e-mails you and you do not feel the same way, either ignore the e-mail altogether or really say “no thanks”.
    • There are some people who say it is rude not to email people back if they approach you online.  I do not see a problem with this personally; it does not bother us.  The key is if you truly are not interested, and you send them a polite email letting them know.  You need to make sure you state your lack of interest clearly.  When we first started we always sent polite responses that would be worded to let them know we probably were not interested, but stopped short of “absolutely rejecting” a couple because we did not want to hurt their feelings.  Unfortunately, either we were sucky wordsmith’s or there are quite a few people who do not pick up context clues well.  If you think trying to politely reject a couple once is tough try doing it two or three times.  It is much better in the end for everyone if you simply say ”no thanks”.
  • Do not use the words “Making Love” when referring to having sex with someone else’s spouse.
    • To be honest, this does not bother us at all.  Where I grew up this was the polite way of saying “sex”, it meant the exact same thing with no other intended meaning.  For some people though, this is a term beyond having sex, and involves more intimacy and a deeper relationship.  We have found several husbands out there, that this is a pet peeve for them.  So feel free to use when referring to Mrs. Gentlenibbles, but you may want to avoid it with the general swinging population.
  • Both husband and wife should be aware of all their sexual boundaries as a couple, and they should be set in place long before the boobies start flying.
    • It is very hard to make these kinds of decisions in the heat of the moment and there have been plenty of spouses who have looked up in the middle of action to see their spouse doing something they did not think was acceptable.  Communication is the key!  It is not enough to say you are full swap or soft swap.  As a couple you need to know exactly what you think the limits should be.  Be specific with each other is anal sex ok?  What about if the wife swallows at the end of oral?  It would be very selfish to be upset with your spouse for crossing a boundary you never informed them of.

Now it is your turn!  This list is most likely less than 1% of the little things that new swingers tend to have to learn the hard way.  Tell us some of your stories, tips, and ideas that should be included.

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