If I had to sort these ideas into a few categories, these are what I think I’m hearing from other guys as men’s biggest fears of the swinger lifestyle:
1. “I don’t want to share my wife.”
I’m willing to bet that most men would love to have a threesome with two women. But ask a man to share his wife with another man, and many of them flinch. (And this is a tragedy, because my guy friends have very, very sexy wives.)
MY ANSWER: I don’t “own” my wife. She’s not my property. She never has been my property. She had sexual experiences with other lovers before we ever met, and she’s had sexual experiences with other lovers after we started in the swinger lifestyle. I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything by sharing my wife with other men and women. In fact, it’s actually really hot.
2. “I don’t feel comfortable being in a room with another naked guy.”
Some guys are leery of being in a group sex situation with another man in the same room. Whether it’s some kind of latent homophobia or insecurity, the idea of being naked in a room with another man makes some guys feel uncomfortable.
MY ANSWER: Does showering with other guys in a locker room make you uncomfortable? Are male porn stars bothered by having other men around in group sex scenes where multiple men have sex on camera with hot, insatiable women? I’m not worried about being in a room with another naked man – I’m too busy eating pussy and enjoying the whole “more than one woman” experience. And I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality to know that being in a group sex situation with other guys isn’t going to suddenly make me want to suck cock. My wife and I have been with another swinger couple where both the husband and wife were bisexual, and I knew that the other guy (a bisexual) was probably enjoying seeing me naked and watching me get a blow job from his wife – but it didn’t bother me. I don’t mind being watched by another guy. Especially when I’ve got two women teaming up on me.
3. “Will my wife like the other guy’s cock more than mine?”
Again, this statement is an expression of insecurity: many men are insecure about their penises, and they’re worried that their wives might find another man’s cock to be more pleasurable.
MY ANSWER: Fellas, we men are more than our penises. If your wife is going to leave you for another penis, then your marriage must not have been very strong to begin with. So far, my wife hasn’t been with any other men in the swinger lifestyle that she likes “better” than me. It’s all just a “different” experience. She likes the variety of the swinger lifestyle, but I feel quite confident that she’s not going to leave me because she finds some other guy who has a bigger dick. (And, not to brag, but my wife tells me that she loves my cock most of all. Other women have also told me that I have a nice cock. And I wear Magnums.)
If guys are worried about their penis size, they should focus on the things they can control: how well they eat pussy, how attentive they are to their lovers’ needs, how long they last (well, sometimes men can’t control this as well as we would like to), and how well they know a woman’s erogenous zones (of which there are MANY, all over the body, beyond the clitoris).
4. “Will being swingers hurt our marriage?”
Many people are reluctant to introduce new sex partners into their marriage, for fear that they will create jealousy and instability.
MY ANSWER: My wife and I agree that the swinger lifestyle has been a fun adventure that, if anything, has made our marriage stronger. We get to see each other in a new light. We get to have more empathy and a better perspective on each other’s sexual needs and sexual skills. We get to see each other “in action” with other lovers, like real-life porn. And we’ve made some really great new friends along the way.
I suppose it’s possible that being swingers can hurt your marriage, if you’re not careful. If one person uses the swinger lifestyle as an excuse to cheat, or if people get hurt feelings and lash out angrily, without using good communication skills, or if people feel jealous and insecure and possessive, or if people feel sad and betrayed by watching their spouse have sex with someone else, then the swinger lifestyle isn’t right for you.
But for us, we still feel the same way about each other as we did before. If anything, we understand each other even better and we’re more open about sharing our desires, needs, hopes and fears. Being swingers has taken our intimacy to a new level. We’re not just another “old married couple” with kids. We’re adventurers. Co-conspirators. Partners in crime.