5
Jun

How To Swing: A Couples Guide To Becoming A Swinger

Everything you need to know about Swingers and The Lifestyle

How to Swing: A Couple’s Guide to the Swingers Lifestyle

If you’re considering the swinging lifestyle, are new to the concept of swinging, or are looking to improve your swinging relationship, read on.  This four part “how to” series will help to demystify swinging, answer common questions, provide you with the tools to safely navigate this complicated landscape, and identify ways to get started and meet other like minded play partners.

History of Swingers

There are a number of theories on how swinging started, however, the most common theory emerged in the 1950s whereby California military couples would gather at “key clubs” or “key parties”.  The men would throw their keys into a bowl and their wives would choose a sexual partner for the evening by randomly selecting a key from the bowl.   Eventually, the media caught wind of the activities and began writing stories about this new social phenomenon dubbed as “wife swapping”.  Over time, the phenomenon spread to the surrounding suburban communities and by the early 1970s, the term commonly known as “swinging” emerged.

Today’s Swingers

 

Today, swinging has evolved into what is now more loosely called “the Lifestyle”.  Although no exact count exists, The North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) claims there are organized swing clubs in almost all states as well as Canada, England, France, Germany, and Japan.

This new form of swinging encompasses a much broader range of play styles.  Although there’s no shortage of “full swap” couples, many couples are now entering “the lifestyle” to enjoy a lighter side of fantasy play with others that includes Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Threesomes and Soft Swap but may never include full swap or “wife swapping” (visit our Sexipedia for detailed definitions).  Due to the insurgence of detailed information about this topic on the internet, “The Lifestyle” is growing in leaps and bounds.  There are conventions, resorts, clubs and websites dedicated to “the Lifestyle”.  There are mainstream television shows such as “Swingtowns” and “Big Love” dedicated to the lifestyle and other forms of open relationships. And in some countries, including Canada, swinging has been recognized as a legal activity at the highest judicial level.   With its increasing popularity and social acceptability, more and more Canadian couples are turning to this new form of swinging  as a way to “spice up” their sex lives.

 

Who are swingers?

 

According to the “General Social Survey”, Swingers tend to be middle class, white collar professional couples with above average education and income.   They are doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers, mid to upper level managers, entrepreneurs and office workers.  when it comes to attitudes about sex and marriage they are less racist, less sexist, and less heterosexist than the general population. Swinging appears to make the vast majority of swingers’ marriages happier, and swingers rate the happiness of their marriages and life satisfaction generally as higher than the non-swinging population.”

Swingers could be your business associates, your friends, your neighbours…they may even be you!

 

Now that you know a little bit of the history on Swingers, let’s explore how you can get started and help to determine if your relationship is ready for swinging, “the Lifestyle” or multi-partner play.

The key to a successful multi-partner play relationship is COMMUNICATION – communication with “self”, communication with your partner and communication with a playmates.

 

Communicating with “yourself”

 

Take control of your own sexual journey

 

Communicating with “self” doesn’t mean engaging in long winded monologues or developing a split personality.  Communicating with “self” means soul searching, being in tune with your feelings, understanding your boundaries and taking control over your own sexual journey.  Your sexual satisfaction is your own responsibility, not that of your partner’s.  In order to effectively move forward on your journey, you need to continually ask yourself “why” or “why not” with regards to your openness to engage in a new sexual experience.   Many of us respond to sexuality based on societal norms and learned behavior.  This means that because we were taught that non-monogamous relationships are unacceptable, we simply react with an empahatic NO when faced with an opportunity to explore.  Next time a new experience or learning opportunity presents itself, instead of reacting, ask yourself why you are saying no and continue asking until you get down to the crux of the issue.  Only then can you make an insightful decision regarding the next step of your sexual journey.

Confidence

 

Be confident.  Practice so it becomes natural. Once something becomes natural, you will have confidence in doing it.  Once you have confidence in yourself, others will have confidence in you. When others have confidence in you, they are more likely to think of you favorably.   And for the ladies, this confidence and environment will be more empowering than you ever thought possible.

 

Communicating with Your Partner

 

Ensure your partner feels like #1

If you want your partner to be open to  multi-partner play, then there must be no doubt in their mind that they are #1 in your world now and always.   It starts with reminding your partner everyday how much you appreciate them, how much you love them and how much they mean to you.  It continues with checking in with your partner.  Go at the “pace of the slowest hiker”.  If one partner is going to quickly, slow down and wait for them to catch up.  If they are always the one playing catch up, they will lose interest very quickly and may never want to go “hiking” again.  And, your “Lifestyle” relationship will thrive if you always remember that this is about the two of you – nobody else.  Anyone else you bring into your relationship is simply a prop in your own personal fantasy.  This is about fulfilling your fantasies as a couple.

Instill trust and remove barriers.

Over time, we sometimes have a tendency to react emotionally, and personally to the idea of fantasy.  The more times we experience this type of reaction, the less apt we are to share our fantasies in the future.  The person you most love wants nothing more that to tell you their innermost secrets and to share their deepest desires.  Make an agreement that you will always be open to listening to each other without consequence.   Always react positively, and consider the possibility, even if you aren’t ready to explore that fantasy at this time (or ever).  But, being open to discussing your fantasy may at least lead you to explore other exciting and fulfilling experiences together.

Set ground rules

Setting the ground rules can be complicated.  There are so many possible fantasy scenarios to consider and talk about.   To help you with this part of the communication process, consider completing a Swingers/Multi-Partner play check-list.; We have provided a sample here to help get you on the right path.

Communicating with your Fantasy Play Partners

Conversation Etiquette

Knowing how to start a conversation with a couple you don’t know in a non-sexual environment will go a long way to meeting couples when you go to swing clubs and events. First of all, if you are a single man who is practicing meeting couples on the street, you will almost automatically talk to the man and build some kind of rapport with him. If you are a single woman, you will most likely start by talking to the woman. If you do this enough, when you are seeking out a multi-partner play experience you will automatically fall into that mode. By approaching the same sex member of a couple and talking to them instead of approaching the opposite sex partner will go a long way making the couple comfortable with you. Once you get to the joking and flirting part of the conversation, THEY will be the ones asking you to join them, not you asking if you can join them.

Saying “no”

Generally, swingers tend to be quite courteous and respectful.  Remember that everyone at the party has different fantasies and also ideas about what works for them.  If you have met someone, but do not make a connection, remember to be true to yourself and honest with the couple approaching you, but ALWAYS be tactful and courteous and NEVER make derogatory remarks.  Conversely, if someone says no to you, take it graciously and move on to another person.

 

Facts about Swingers

 

    • 31% of Canadians agreed that as long as there is no deception involved, a person can be intimate with more than one person.  (Source: 24 hours/Sun Media Sex Poll, October 31, 2007)
    •  swingers are happier in their relationships than the norm. 60% of swingers said that swinging improved their relationship and only 1.7% said it made their relationship less happy. (Source: Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3, Oct. 10, 2000)
    •  Half of those who rated their relationship very happy before becoming swingers maintained it had become even happier. 90% of those with less happy relationships said swinging improved them. (Source:Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3, Oct. 10, 2000)
    • Almost 70% of swingers claimed no problem with jealousy, around a quarter admitted to some jealousy but only 6% said it was very much a problem. (Source: Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3, Oct. 10, 2000)
    • Swingers rate themselves happier (59% against 32% very happy) and their lives much more exciting (76% against 54% exciting) than does the rest of the population, by surprisingly large margins. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3, Oct. 10, 2000)
    • There was no difference between the responses of men and women. (Source: Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 3, Oct. 10, 2000)

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